The Filler
Well after so many depressing stories yesterday, let’s have some good news for a change.

The KKK Took the Racists Away
Faced with declining membership and support, the grand wizard of Indiana’s Ku Klux Klan is taking the “social club” in a new direction and seeks to create a “kinder, gentler” version of the hate-mongering, murderous organization. By the way, everything in quotes is straight from the mouth of acting Indiana KKK Grand Wizard Buford Kellens.

“Folks have a negative view of us because of the actions of a few bad apples,” Kellens told the Hoosier Gazette. “In reality we do a lot of good in our communities.” To prove that, Kellens will suspend all KKK marches for 2004 and have members instead focus on community service. Members will volunteer in soup kitchens and as crossing guards, and visit universities to promote good will. “This shows the public we’re good people who are just misunderstood,” Kellens said. Of course there’s really little room for misunderstanding at a lynching or cross burning but who are we to quibble?

The Klan also is opening up enrollment to previously reviled groups such as Catholics and Latinos, and will revamp the titles it gives its leaders. No longer will there be an Imperial Wizard or Exalted Cyclops. Now Klan leaders will have more formal titles such as CEO and general manager. May 3N suggest Exalted Douchebag?

NATO Troops Getting Screwed
The Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia have only just been inducted into the NATO alliance but they’re already learning from their Western, capitalist allies. NATO troops stationed in Lithuania are complaining that area prostitutes are charging them as much as three times the going rate for locals. And they’re not going to stand for it. In fact, even though prostitution is illegal in that country, they’ve gotten the police involved.

“Prostitutes take $35 an hour from Lithuanian citizens, while NATO troops are asked to pay $125 an hour,” Police Commissioner General Vytautas Grigaravicius told the Associated Press. Grigaravicius says it’s a clear case of discrimination and has vowed to attend to the matter.

John Ashcroft: Exalted Douchebag
And here at home in the midst of failing schools, rising unemployment and soaring budget deficits, the powers that be have turned their attention to the real scourge of this country—pornography.

The Justice Department’s war on porn employs a half-dozen employees who work 9-5, Monday through Friday sitting at computers surfing the Web for objectionable content. And they’re going to start suing people. But this time it’s not just hardcore sites that are looking at fines. The long arm of the law intends to reach into your living room by sanctioning soft-core shows like HBO’s “Real Sex” and into your hotel room by banning the adult movies Comcast beams to your TV. Asinine? Why yes, yes it is. Surprising? It shouldn’t be.

When you’ve got a son of a bitch like John Ashcroft running the Justice Department, anything’s possible. This is the man who paid $10,000 to have custom drapes made to hang over the partially nude statues outside the U.S. Supreme Court building. This is the man who anointed himself with Crisco when he was named Attorney General. This man doesn’t drink, dance, swear or gamble. He is a vengeful, crusading psychopath.

In the end it may all come down to money—and porn makes a lot of it. What would happen to our beloved Internet if porn were banned? It’s still really the only money-making endeavor online. And what would happen to the $200,000 that Comcast has pledged to raise for Bush’s re-election? And what of consumers’ rights? Certainly lots of kids have access to porn but in the end the adults are the ones paying the cable bills, the Internet bills, the movie charges in hotel rooms, etc. And as adults we have a God-given right to watch smut. Now you can raise our taxes, threaten our civil liberties and kill us at the pump, but when you start denying us porn, well, let’s just say the Justice Department may have a fight on its hands this time.

"They are miscalculating the pulse of the community," attorney Paul Cambria told the Baltimore Sun. “I think a lot of adults would say this is not what they had in mind, spending millions of dollars and the time of the courts and FBI agents and postal inspectors and prosecutors investigating what consenting adults are doing and watching.”

3N is already predicting huge success for this latest campaign. I mean, look at what happened with the war on drugs . . .

The News
3N has gone on way too long today and it’s too beautiful outside to sit at a computer and spew cynicism and make petty jabs at people all day, so there’s no news today. Next week, however, look for a cynical overview of the 10-year “anniversary” of genocide in Rwanda and an examination of the California energy crisis and its continuing fallout. Have a great weekend and a great Easter holiday.

The Fodder
Just in time for Easter, let’s do a quick roundup of what’s going on with one of 3N’s favorite subjects, organized religion.

Yes Jesus Loves Me
An entire group of Brooklyn Jews were horribly burned this week during a Passover rite gone wrong. The pre-Passover bread burning ritual involves putting chunks of leavened bread into a five-gallon bucket, then setting it on fire in an attempt to symbolize or re-create or represent, well, something. Anyway. High winds that day kept the bread from igniting so Rabbi Shick grabbed a can of paint thinner and added it to the mix. Predictably, a huge fireball engulfed the crowd and left Shick and a teenage boy hospitalized and in critical condition. Three others had to be hospitalized though, according to the New York Daily News, with much less serious burns.

Next up we have the case of an Akron, Ohio, priest who’s turned to growing marijuana now that the church forbids fondling young boys. The Rev. Richard Arko was charged this week with growing 35 plants in a closet in his rectory and sentenced to two years of community control and 100 hours community service. Arko, who admitted to being a regular user of the drug, will also have to undergo random and periodic drug tests, according to the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Arko claims he was growing the pot for medicinal purposes, but officers on the case were earlier able to buy a $20-sack from a man living at the rectory. Ever a pillar of society, Arko is also being investigated for child molestation after a 24-year-old man brought his case to police, claiming Arko molested him when he was 15.

Also in the name of the Lord, a Sherman, Texas, man accused of killing his wife, son and daughter plucked out his right eyeball while in jail awaiting sentencing. Andre Thomas was reading the Bible when he came across Mark 9:47 which states “And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.” Ever the true believer, that’s exactly what he did. Thomas’ lawyer, according to the Herald Democrat, has since filed a motion to have his client evaluated by a mental health professional. No shit.

Last and certainly not least in our little tribute to the Lord and Easter, we have a story from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about a church performance that brought tears to the eyes of dozens of young children who were there for an egg hunt and a chance to meet the Easter Bunny. Performers from the Glassport Assembly of God were attempting to teach children the true meaning of the holiday by portraying the last hours of Christ. After telling the children flat out “there is no Easter Bunny,” church performers put the Bunny in the role of Christ during the crucifixion and proceeded to whip him savagely. To add to the fun, performers went on to portray a drunken man and self-mutilating woman, then proceeded to break all the colored eggs meant for the egg hunt later on that day. Wheeeeee! Church representatives were surprised at the negative reaction and youth minister Patty Bickerton said the performance was in no way meant to be offensive. Jesus H. Christ.

The News

Rice A Phony
Well the big news today has to be national security advisor Condoleezza Rice’s testimony to the 9/11 commission.

The panel today focused heavily on a presidential daily briefing (PDB) memo dated August 6, 2001, titled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” Well folks, you just don’t get much more of a warning that that. But, like an ostrich, the Bush administration had its collective heads firmly buried in the sands of Iraq and Rice even admitted to the panel that indications were clear that “something very, very big was going to happen.” Rice went on to say that then-CIA Director George Tenet briefed the president almost daily on the situation and that Bush’s “very first major national security policy directive” called for eliminating the al Qaeda threat. So . . . . .?

To its credit, the panel jumped on that remark and asked why the administration didn’t attack al Qaeda the terrorist group’s attack on the U.S.S. Cole in Yemen. Rice responded that the president was simply “tired of swatting at flies.” The panel again went on the attack and asked for just one instance of the president “swatting at flies” prior to 9/11. Rice, predictably, could not give an example.

A little background before we close today. This panel was created by Congress back in November of 2002 and is given the task of looking for any lapses in domestic security and/or intelligence that could have led to the 9/11 tragedy. Bush has routinely opposed the creation of this panel. The White House also did not want Rice to testify though the panel, Democrats and families of 9/11 victims eventually demanded it. The White House has since only reluctantly allowed Rice to testify. The commission’s report is due on or before July 26th though it may not make that date as its findings are first subject to a review by the White House.

Place your bets ladies and gents. Anyone see that report coming out before the November elections?

The Story
Last Monday NPR reported President Bush’s intention to provide all Americans with broadband (or high-speed) Internet service. Bush, who made his announcement in Albuquerque on Friday March 26th, hopes to achieve universal broadband suffrage by 2007.

Bush envisions an Internet world where “Consumers have got plenty of choices when it comes to purchasing the broadband carrier…you see the more choices there are, the more the price will go down, and the more the price goes down, the more users there will be, and the more users there will be, the more likely that America will stay on the competitive edge of world trade.”

NPR’s story suggested that Bush provide subsidies in order to kick-start his plan. Broadband access, they agreed, would provide consumers with a much more pleasurable Internet experience.

But Bush’s primitive economics lesson is deceiving and the lack of intelligent news coverage is, typically, appalling. Bush made a similar statement in June 2002 while addressing a White House audience of technology leaders (among them AT&T CEO Michael Armstrong and AOL Time Warner Chairman Steve Case) saying, “the country must be aggressive with the expansion of broadband.” High-tech executives salivated at the thought of all that profit.

Not surprisingly, Senator John Kerry also made a similar proposal on March 26th.

The News
Not surprisingly, the real story is one of avarice and control—wherein big business invades the public domain to gain greater profit. While, theoretically, we the people own the airwaves, we’ve actually lost access to most of them, save for the Internet. The broadband push stands to change that.

Far from offering Americans “more choice” and “cheaper prices,” telecommunications companies instead seek to monopolize the market. Consider the recent Supreme Court ruling (ironically the ruling came on March 25th, the day before Bush’s announcement), which barred local communities from providing high-speed Internet service. According to USA Today “about 150 local governments have built telecom networks, most sparked by the 1996 Telecommunications Act, which was intended to bring consumers more choices.”

The heart of the issue was the question of regulation. According to the telecommunications act, states may not prohibit any entity from offering phone service. But the Supreme Court ruled that no state should be prevented from regulating itself. The case began when Missouri communities petitioned the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC struck down the petition, but then an appeals court reversed the FCC ruling.

Complaining that the local competition just isn’t fair, the big boys took their appeal to the Supreme Court. Sprint VP Denton Roberts complained that because local municipalities don’t have to pay income tax and have no problems gaining right-of-way, “it’s not a level playing field.”

That brings up the niggling question of the FCC’s unholy alliance with telecommunications giants. Michael Powell, son of Colin and chairman of the FCC, long ago stated that, with regards to the FCC, “the oppressor here is regulation.” True enough, if Powell is speaking for big business. According to Mother Jones, “the advent of the information economy has turned the FCC from a minor D.C. player into one of the government’s most powerful agencies.” At stake is high-speed Internet service, the mother lode of the 21st century. Major corporations wait fitfully for the advent of broadband in order to sell digital movies, online news and music over the Internet.

Sound good?

Step back and consider how unsatisfying and how costly local cable packages are. In Manhattan, Time Warner cable is the only game in town. Far from expanding consumer choices and decreasing costs, multi-conglomerates have acquired market shares in direct violation of federal anti-trust regulations. Instead of providing competition and offering, in Bush’s words, “more choices,” the exact opposite has taken place.

If unchecked, corporate giants such as AT&T and AOL Time Warner, (not unlike Microsoft’s control over which browser you use) will be in a position to decide which news, movies and music Internet users will access. AT&T, for example, could limit their customers to accessing only the content they provide.

What’s at stake is the question of who will own and access the Internet.

According to Mother Jones, “much of the wireless spectrum—a priceless public commodity and the key to the mobile communications boom—could fall into fewer than half a dozen corporate hands.” Consider Powell’s move last year to consolidate media ownership and permit cross-ownership—a move quelled by one of the few grassroots protests in recent years. Meanwhile AT&T and AOL continue to lobby the FCC hard. Mother Jones reported that between the months of October 2000 and March 2001, for example, “130 FCC staffers received nearly $300,000 worth of trips financed by the communications industry.” Early 3N readers may remember that story as one of our first.

Telecommunications companies contribute large chunks of money to political campaigns—and they wield a lot of weight in Congress. The FCC, which was originally designed as an apolitical regulatory board, now wields, with the advent of the technology revolution, incredible power.

The question to ask is who stands to profit and who stands to lose in the quest to unite America under broadband? --A.M. McNary

The Filler
None of today’s stories have anything in common except for they’re all absurd. That said, let’s get right to it.

Future Framers of America
A 17-year-old high school student in rural Oswego, N.Y., will spend one year behind bars for threatening to kill President Bush in a half-baked scheme to take revenge on a fellow student.

WorldNet Daily reports the unnamed teen sought to frame his former girlfriend by using her password to log onto a school computer then sending the death threat to Bush.

“I’m going to blow up the White House and Kill you and your family,” the teen wrote. “You’re a stupid peace [sic] of shit and deserve to Die!!!”

Strong words certainly and, while some of them are true, you just can’t threaten to kill the president. In addition to a year in jail the teen also will face probation and strict orders to stay away from the president. Kids these days, what ever happened to toilet-papering her house?

Virginia is for Lovers (But in Oregon You Get Fucked)
The wedding season doesn’t usually go into full swing until summer, and couples in Benton County, Oregon, may need that extra time.

That state’s legislature is currently split as to whether it will approve gay marriages, grant gay couples civil unions, or simply do nothing. So for now, Benton County officials have solved the problem by ceasing to issue anyone a marriage license—gay, straight or otherwise.

“Either you issue marriage licenses to all couples, gay and straight, or you don't issue licenses to anybody,” says David Fidanque, executive director of the Oregon ACLU. “That's the only way you can treat all couples equally and avoid violating the Oregon constitution.”

Fidanque added that for the time being, same-sex couples should travel to a neighboring county to get their license then come back to Benton to perform the ceremony. This is our government in action folks. 3N can’t make this shit up, we just aren’t that clever.

Black and White and Dead All Over
Us news types are often quiet, thoughtful, some may say even dull. But we’d like to think we’d at least be noticed in death. That wasn’t so for one California news editor.

Colfax newsman A. Thomas Homer passed away quietly in his office last week and went undiscovered for two days, according to the Associated Press, despite the fact that two people saw him lying at his desk. Police say a janitor passed Homer twice on Sunday, 12 hours apart, and a woman stopping in at the office also saw him early Monday morning. Neither person responded as they both assumed he was just sleeping. This is sobering news for 3N as we have no janitor and reports that cats often eat the bodies of their dead owners have not entirely been disproven.

Shoddy Furniture + Shrinking Dollar = Richest Man Ever
Finally, it appears we have a new richest man in the world, though Bill Gates still has the world’s worst haircut.

Swedish business weekly Veckans Affarer reports IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has overtaken Gates with a massive fortune of 400 billion crowns (that’s $52.5 billion to you and me). Now, we Americans look to Forbes magazine to tell us who’s the richest of them all and according to their February issue, Gates is still top dog at $46.6 billion. Stock market guru Warren Buffet comes in second at $42.9 billion and you’ll have to go all the way down to number 13 to find Affarer with his paltry $18.5 billion. So what gives? Well it seems the geniuses at Forbes forgot the dollar is in the toilet right now and didn’t adjust for it.

Kamprad, 77, is known for his frugal ways, drives a simple Volvo and chooses to live in Switzerland where he can avoid the high taxes of his home country Sweden. IKEA officials are still denying the report, however, saying Kamprad’s estimated worth is a “mistake that’s made all the time.”

“Ingvar Kamprad does not own Ikea,” said company spokeswoman Marianne Barner. “Estimating the value of the company, including all the stores and saying it's all Ingvar's, that is totally wrong.” Barner did not reply to 3N’s calls as to why the company continues its bizarre practice of selling meatballs at its stores.

The News
We’ll leave the weighty issues to 3N’s newest staffers, coming onboard sometime this week, and turn our attention to a perennial favorite here, Mr. Ralph Nader.

But first, the standard 3N disclaimer: Nader did not cost Gore the 2000 election, he has some very interesting ideas about how this country should be run and if you don’t believe it then you aren’t doing your reading.

“Things have gotten so bad in this country, you look back at Richard Nixon with nostalgia,” Nader told The New York Times last week. Republicans, and George Bush chief among them, would have to disagree. And that’s why GOP supporters are spending big money to keep Nader in the running and, hopefully, keep their candidates in office.

It seems nearly 10 percent of those contributing at least $250 to the Nader campaign are Republican party supporters, according to a review of financial records by The Dallas Morning News. And some of Nader’s biggest contributors, spending $1,000 or more, have come from big-name GOP supporters such as Pennsylvania oil-company executive Terrence Jacobs.

But while Democrats are crying foul, many Republican donors are keeping to the facts. Some say they’re contributing because they want Nader to spoil the party for Kerry while others were simply offended by the Democrats in 2000 with their full-page ads against Nader and attempts in some states to wipe him off the ballots entirely.

“Did I give $1,000 to Ralph Nader because I hope and believe he will be president? No," California business executive Charles Ashman told The Morning News. “But I was offended to see [the Democrats’] campaign to squelch him from being a candidate.”

Us, too, and that’s why the Dems saw none of 3N’s votes in 2000. Stayed tuned for more, this one ought to get good and ugly.