The “Story”
OK, as always, let’s get the whacked news out of the way first.

Trumped!
As opposed to other media outlets, 3N will always keep you posted on updates to stories we’ve done in the past. Remember when “The Donald” was trying to copyright the phrase “you’re fired”? Well, 3N is happy to report he’s hit a bit of a snag. Reuters reports that a Chicago pottery merchant already has locked up the phrase for use in promoting her store’s wares. Susan Brenner has been using the phrase on plates, mugs and other items from her ceramics studio since 1997 and she’s not about to give it up. For the uninitiated, “you’re fired” is a pun on the process of glazing and finishing ceramics in a kiln known as firing. Unfortunately, since she never filed for a patent, Brenner can only prohibit Trump from selling products with that motto in the Illinois area. Nevertheless, strike one for the little guy.

Breasts, Thighs and Videotape
In another update, the women who were secretly videotaped while changing into Hooters outfits during job interviews are now, rather predictably, suing the franchise. The women are seeking unspecified damages, according to an Associated Press report. The manager accused of taping them has been fired but police have yet to arrest or formally charge him. 3N, of course, finds this whole situation despicable but can’t forget the phrase, “when you lay down with pigs . . .”

Burger Bites Back
In other food franchise news, pregnant mother Kim Hasler was enjoying her McDonald’s Happy Meal in a small England town when she unexpectedly bit down on something hard in her hamburger. The object turned out to be a tooth, according to the Western Daily Press. “I was absolutely disgusted,” Hasler said. “It's the most horrible thing I have ever eaten.” No shit. The restaurant offered Hasler a free meal for her trouble but the mom-to-be has decided she’ll seek legal action instead. In lieu of a free Happy Meal? Why, she must be crazy.

Rape Gone Wrong
And in another story of crimes against women, we have a report from Reuters about a rape fantasy gone horribly wrong. Evidently there exists on the Internet, blessed tool of our age, a number of chat rooms specifically dedicated to those who want to discuss and engage in rape fantasies. Well, a California man and woman struck up an electronic relationship, rape fantasies were exchanged and a time and place was set to perform “the deed.” Unfortunately, the man got the address wrong and broke into a different woman’s apartment. Michael Todd Howard, 35, struggled with the woman and was eventually put off when she grabbed his testicles and screamed for help. Realizing his mistake Howard backed off but the woman, un-amused, summoned police and Howard was arrested and charged. In exchange for a guilty plea, Howard is expected to receive one year in jail and probation. God help us all.

The News
Show or Tell?
By now you’ve all heard the grisly tale of the four civilians dragged from their cars, beaten, burned and eventually hanged in the Iraqi city of Falluja. The situation is eerily reminiscent of a 1993 incident in Somalia when an angry mob dragged the body of an American soldier through the streets of Mogadishu. The Falluja scene was particularly disturbing, however, for its sheer ferocity and depravity. Clearly we are not winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people. And though we’ve all heard of the incident, many of you may not have seen the gruesome footage itself.

Now not all of you are going to be into this, but for us news-types out there, the debate over what sorts of images the press chooses to show the public is an interesting one. If you recall, a similar debate raged after the 9/11 tragedy when some media outlets chose to run photos and video of people leaping to their deaths from the towers, eventually meeting their end on the pavement below. In today’s world of shock media, shock TV, reality TV, etc., the question is, when has the press gone too far? What should be shown and what should be censored in the interests of humanity, compassion for victims’ families and plain old good taste?

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said he hoped the press would “act responsibly” in its coverage and, so far, it has. But if you want images of what really happened, it’s out there. The New York Times today ran a pictorial feature on its website but gave a warning of its graphic nature. But these sorts of images have been with us always. Who can forget the photo of the young naked girl running for her life and badly burned from Napalm? Or the video of the Vietnamese man shot in the head and laying dead in the street? Or the monk who burned himself to death to protest the situation in Tibet? Do not these images give us the reality or war and depravity? If the human race is going to carry out violent crimes against ourselves, shouldn’t we have to see it firsthand?

“War is a horrible thing, it’s about killing,” said Leroy Sievers, executive producer at ABC News’ “Nightline.” “If we try to avoid showing pictures of bodies, if we make it too clean, then maybe we make it too easy to go to war again.” Damn, well said.

The pictures are out there and so is the video feed. The choice to look or not is up to you. 3N has had its fill of disgusting treatment toward our fellow humans and has chosen not to look. Besides, we’ve got Springer for that. Please discuss amongst yourselves.

The “Story”

Duck and Cover Your Ass
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is still refusing to recuse himself from hearing a case involving duck hunting pal Dick Cheney, saying that his admiration for the V.P. and the good times they shared killing God’s creatures would in no way influence his always impartial decisions.

Cheney is looking to duck (no pun intended) a court order that demands he respond to questions concerning his meetings with top-level energy industry representatives while the Bush administration was shaping this country’s energy policy. That mess has stunk for quite some time and, thankfully, it’s not going away.

Scalia last week issued a lengthy 21-page memorandum explaining his rationale. While generally well written, well argued and to the point, Scalia remains defiant to the end. The most telling quote comes near the end where he notes, “If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court Justice can be bought so cheap, the Nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined.” Yeah, we’re in that much trouble.

Freedom From Choice
In news from the “front,” the U.S. has shuttered an Iraqi newspaper and barred it from printing for 60 days, saying its editors are using the paper to incite violence among insurgents. So that’s our role in Iraq now, shutting down the press. You gotta love this country—land of the free, promoter of free-dumb. I’m sure that famed journalist A. J. Liebling, who once said, “Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one,” is rolling in his grave.

My Sharona
Looks like Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon will be charged for his role in a real estate scandal, which could bring an end to his bloody regime. That might be good news for Israelis and Palestinians alike. Sharon the hawk has done nothing but incite violence in the region and further escalate hostilities. 3N is waiting for the day when Sharon ceases to be shielded by the U.S. and has to face the world for what, in our opinion, amounts to nothing less than war crimes.

Hollywood: Gone to the Dogs
Hollywood is officially out of ideas and proved it with the world premiere of Benji: Rags to Riches. The less than overwhelming response didn’t get the director down, however. He’s confident that audiences are ready for some good family entertainment and are growing tired of flesh-eating zombies and images of Christ getting hit over the head. 3N predicts you’ll be able to own it (own it!) on video and DVD as early as next week.

Smokers, It’s Not Easy Being Green
And while Washington state legislators agonize over a statewide smoking ban, the Irish have already instituted one of their own. No smoking, in any public areas including pubs. Yeah, that ought to go over well.

The News

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
For my money, the best story out there is the U.S. Senate’s approval of the Unborn Victims of Violence Act. The bill, passed by an overwhelming majority in the House last month, would outlaw injury to a fetus during the commission of a crime.

Certainly there’s nothing wrong with protecting pregnant mothers and their unborn children, but the problem with this bill is that it amounts to nothing more than a thinly disguised attempt to further undermine a woman’s right to an abortion and further the rights of an unborn fetus by recognizing it as a person. And this time, to the media’s credit, it’s calling a spade a spade. The New York Times alluded to the true nature of the bill in the second paragraph of its story last week.

Now Republicans have been looking to pass this legislation for years and, with a clear majority and the murder of Laci Peterson and her unborn child fresh in our minds, they’re finally getting their way. The bill is on its way to President Bush’s desk where his signature is, at this point, only a formality.

Opponents of the bill say its language is what’s most troubling. The bill refers to the fetus as “a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb.” Now how can you have abortion when the fetus is referred to in that way? The answer is, you can’t. And that’s what this bill could be gearing up for: a whole-scale, all-out attack on abortion with the eventual repeal of Row v. Wade. You women out there ought to be scared shitless and you also better pray every night that Kerry, who opposed the legislation, is our next president.

Republicans across the board, including the authors of the bill, deny that it is in any way an attempt to restrict abortions but offered few details, or reassurances, to back up their claim. And they’re not fooling anyone.

“Instead of passing a consensus bill to punish criminals for their horrific acts, the president's allies are taking advantage of this issue to further their campaign to oppose a woman's right to choose," said Kate Michelman, president of Naral Pro-Choice America.

All credit to Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., who proposed an amendment to the bill that would have kept the same tough penalties on criminals attacking pregnant women, but would have classified such attacks as a single-victim crime and thus avoided the issue of fetal rights all together. Feinstein’s amendment was rejected in a 50-49 vote.