The “Story”
Before we get into the meaty stuff, let’s get this out of the way: Tom Cruise has broken up with Penelope Cruz, adding fuel to the already raging “is he gay or not” fire and giving further hope to the millions of gay men for whom Cruise remains an enormous blip on their Gaydar.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s head into the weekend with “news” from the workplace.

Los Angeles police have charged Hooters manager Juan Aponte with videotaping 82 women while they changed into uniforms during job interviews. As if the Cruise/Cruz story wasn’t enough, 3N is shocked (shocked!) to learn of this kind of behavior from such a reputable chain.

The women, aged 17-25, were among some 180 video files police found on Aponte’s computer. The Hooters chain has not been implicated in any way, so far, and spokesmen for the company are trying to downplay the incident.

"In our 21-year history we've never seen anything like this before,” a spokesman told Reuters. “We're very concerned about it and we're doing everything we can to cooperate." No shit.

In other corporate news, seems the working man (and woman) just can’t get a break in this country anymore. We all bitch about Wal-Mart and its shoddy treatment of its employees, but now one company is being criticized for being too nice to its help.

According to The Wall Street Journal, investors may be shying away from Costco because its stock is under-performing, and it’s all due to being too good to its employees. From above-average hourly wages to an impressive benefits package, seems all that good will is hurting the bottom line. Wall Street analysts say that if Costco intends to keep pace with rivals such as Wal-Mart, it’s got to tone down employee benefits.

“From the perspective of investors, Costco is overly generous," says Bill Dreher, a retail analyst with Deutsche Bank Securities. "Public companies need to care for shareholders first.” Is this a great country we live in or what? Costco president and CEO Jim Sinegal took the news in stride, however.

“I happen to believe that in order to reward the shareholder in the long term, you have to please your customers and workers,” Sinegal told the WSJ. Costco shares currently trade at 20 times projected 2004 earnings whereas Wal-Mart stock trades at 24.

A quick comparison of the two companies reveals striking differences in how they treat their employees. Costco provides insurance coverage for 82 percent of its employees while Wal-Mart covers just 48. As for monthly premiums, if you work at Costco the company will pick up 92 percent of the tab compared to Wal-Mart’s 67. Not surprisingly, the annual turnover rate at Wal-Mart is 50 percent compared to just 24 percent at Costco.
Now you can only screw the American public and workforce for so long before they revolt. Wal-Mart may sell on the cheap but they also are generating huge amounts of ill will from the buying public at large. In the end, consumers will take care of the retail outlets that take care of them. That said, let’s talk about these shareholders that corporate America is beholden to.

The News
When we’re talking about stock, as with everything in America these days, the rich basically own it all. The wealthy class will point to employee 401k packages where the average American holds stock, but those numbers are absolutely insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Let’s examine the best data currently available, the Survey of Consumer Finances 1998, prepared by the Federal Reserve Board.

The top 1 percent of Americans own 42 percent of all stock in this country. The top 5 percent own 67 percent of all stock, the top 10 percent owns 78 percent and the top 20 percent owns a whopping 89 percent of all stock in the U.S. The bottom 80 percent of Americans owns just 11 percent of all stock among them. So exactly who are these shareholders Costco ought to be groveling to?

Going further, in terms of overall wealth, the top 1 percent of Americans holds 38 percent of all wealth in this country. What about you and me? We in the bottom 40 percent are all fighting for just two-tenths of 1 percent. Typically, the media chooses to ignore this aspect of the story. For more info, check out United for a Fair Economy at www.ufenet.org.

If all this pisses you off, it should. Question is—what are you going to do about it? You’ve got all weekend to figure it. 3N plans to get drunk.

The “Story”
Lot’s of good stuff going on today, “news” you just can’t live without.

A cyclist in Britain got his revenge on motorists by slashing nearly 2,000 tires on cars, trucks and vans over the course of 10 days. Seems the cyclist, Ashley Carpenter, sought to “send a message to motorists” after he was splashed by a car speeding through a nearby puddle. British authorities estimate Carpenter caused around ₤250,000 or nearly $452,000 in damage. Carpenter was finally caught in the act by a closed-circuit video camera. 3N of course deplores this sort of reckless behavior and yet the cyclist in us just can’t help but grin.

And speaking of revenge tactics, animal rights agency People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is finding itself under fire for a controversial campaign it’s waging against Colonel Sanders and his Kentucky Fried Chicken. Citing farming and slaughter abuses by KFC’s suppliers, PETA next month will begin handing out red- and white-striped buckets full of blood and bones to patrons outside KFC restaurants. The buckets also feature a blood-spattered picture of the Colonel himself wielding a butcher knife and the message “The Colonel's secret recipe: live scalding, painful de-beaking, crippled chickens.” Ouch.

Spokesmen for the restaurant chain likened PETA’s actions to terrorism, and “and just like the United States government, [KFC] will not negotiate with corporate terrorists.” That word sure does make the rounds these days, doesn’t it? PETA waged a similar campaign against McDonald’s several years ago, also protesting that chain’s record on cruelty towards chickens. Protesters then distributed Unhappy Meals featuring a stuffed doll resembling Ronald McDonald holding a bloody butcher knife. McDonald’s eventually caved and announced it would review and change the way its suppliers handled chickens but said the PETA campaign had nothing to do with its actions.

PETA does good work now and then and its campaigns are usually clever. 3N is unsure this time, however, how effective buckets of blood will be. Certainly there’s a better way to win over the hearts and minds of consumers than by horrifying them.

Continuing in the vein of revenge, George Michael (always a favorite target here at 3N) may have his revenge on us all by bringing Wham! The Musical to a stage near you. Seems Michael and his estranged partner Andrew Ridgley are fielding offers from prospective producers eager to put the Wham! story to music. The musical would follow the artists from their beginnings as childhood chums to their rise and eventual fall as pop icons. Sound far-fetched? Similar musicals based on Abba, Rod Stewart and Queen already have made the stage and have been highly praised by cattle, I mean audiences, so far.

And why not go with one more. How’d you like to send your loved ones, or enemies, an e-mail from the grave? Well, thanks to the good people at LastWishes.com, you can. Simply sign up with the company, compose your message, attach your videos or pictures and, when a person designated by you gives the signal, the company will broadcast your message while you sleep with the angels. Surprisingly, the idea has met with some resistance. "There is the potential for a lot of damage,” says psychiatrist Dr. Eva Ritvo. “Something like an e-mail from a dead person is going to be jarring.” No shit. So far more than 7,000 psychopaths, I mean customers, have signed up for the service.

The News
Let’s look today at what’s going in Axis of Evil runner-up Libya. That country and its mercurial leader Muammar el-Qaddafi recently have been trying to clean up their act, shedding plans and equipment to build nuclear weapons, offering apologies and compensation for murdering the 270 victims in the 1988 bombing of the Pan Am jumbo jet over Lockerbie, Scotland, and pledging to aid in the fight against terrorism. And the West is eating it up.

U.S. lapdog, I mean British Prime Minister Tony Blair today met with Qaddafi in an attempt to mend relations and end 30 years of hard feelings between the countries. But what’s really important, and near the bottom of today’s The New York Times report is the news that “Anglo-Dutch oil giant Shell had been awarded a $200 million contract worth potentially up to $1 billion to explore for natural gas in Libya.” Hmmm, seems that news would have found its way closer to the top of the story. In a separate story by the Associated Press, Shell reports some of the gas would stay in Libya but that most would go to interests in North America and Europe.

The NYT story goes on to report that BAE Systems, a major British aerospace firm, is close to sealing a deal with the Libyan government that would see it provide a wide range of services for that country’s ailing civil air industry. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present Tony Blair—paving the way for Western commercial interests, I mean diplomacy across the globe.

Reaction from the U.S. was tepid and there are currently no plans for a visit by “President” Bush. Many British citizens were less than enthusiastic as well and reaction from the Arab world was predictable in its denunciation of Qaddafi’s newfound alliance with the West.

What’s the lesson today? That terrorists and those who train and harbor them are evil, vile people. Unless, of course, they happen to have huge, untapped oil reserves.

The "Story"
The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) today renewed its efforts to revive the sagging music industry by suing college students and teenagers across the nation for sharing songs over the Internet. Wired News today reports a fresh batch of 532 subpoenas sent to universities and Internet service providers (ISPs) seeking the names and addresses of the offending individuals so that justice can be served.

On the lighter side, the RIAA's official Website remains down for the fifth day in a row, most likely the result of the MyDoom virus that was programmed to specifically attack that site and Microsoft's. The outage sets a new record for denial of service, besting a four-day blackout the site suffered last year. Predictably, a spokesmen for the RIAA had no comment.

The scare of the day comes from Russia's top naval admiral who claims one of that country's most powerful nuclear warships may be about to "blow up." Admiral Vladimir Kuroyedov later recanted and said he meant only that the ship was in dire need of maintenance. Kuroyedov now denies telling both the Itar-Tass and Interfax news agencies that the ship had been ordered back to port as "it may blow up any minute."

Back home, U.S. consumers were again reminded why they should buy foreign cars and why the domestic auto market continues its slump. Evidently programmers for the new, revamped and highly trumpeted Pontiac Grand Prix forgot that 2004 is a leap year, creating big problems for the car's computer. The only visible glitch for buyers will be a dashboard readout which will continually display the wrong day. The car's internal computer, however, may suffer from the glitch and the cars may need to be recalled. Every single one of them.

Speaking of recalls, Virgin Airways has announced it has scrapped plans to install a fleet of mouth-shaped urinals at its clubhouse in New York's JFK airport. Go to the story from Yahoo News for a picture of what you could have been peeing in. The bright red urinals, shaped like a woman's open mouth, were deemed offensive by several dozen individuals and the National Organization for Women (NOW). NOW President Kim Gandy was pleased with the announcement saying "I don't know many men who think it's cool to pee in a woman's mouth." Were Ms. Gandy to do a simple Google search, she might be surprised.

And that's because all men are idiots, or so we are told. From the hit show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to the slew of magazines, as reported by USA Today, that are bent on coaching men how to shop, cook and even pick the right flowers, the market is saturated with advice for hapless men who can't think for themselves, dress themselves and are apparently clueless as to how to meet and ensnare the opposite sex. It's amazing the species has lasted this long.

Witness Katya Cengel's report, from the Louisville Courier-Journal on The Nice Guys' Institute, located in Tampa, Florida. Founded by two self-proclaimed "nice guys," the Institute seeks to instruct well intentioned, though hapless, men on the art of seducing women.

One of the founders, John Fate, has even published three books on the subject. Fate offers a number of dating "tips" men should follow to be more successful with women. They include: convey interest during conversations with women by facing them while talking, nodding your at head appropriate times and maintaining eye contact. Questions men can ask to keep the conversation moving along include, "Are you from this city?" and "Are there any movies out right now you want to see?" Please.

These aren't "tips." That type of behavior is called common courtesy and civility. Further, we at 3N have found both sexes severely lacking in those areas, not just men. Cengel's article, sadly unavailable online, is titled "Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last With Women." A quick poll here at 3N reveals that statement to be patently untrue . . .

The News
If you're not listening to the testimony being given at the 9/11 hearings today, you ought to be. It's on your local NPR station pretty much all day today and tomorrow. If you aren't listening it's probably because you, like many other Americans, firmly believe this commission will find nothing, prove nothing, do nothing--go nowhere. And you're probably right. But there's some damn compelling testimony being given and you ought to tune in.