Here we are again with time on our hands and so much Non-News to report. Let’s not waste any time on where we’ve been or why we’ve been away. There’s just too much dumbness to recount.

The Fodder

Cuban Pirates Disrupt Oscars
Conservatives jumped for joy and Liberals hung their heads when it was announced that Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 may be ineligible for this year’s Oscars. A pirated copy of the anti-Bush film made its way to Cuba where government officials promptly broadcast it around the country for all its citizens to see. Under Academy rules, documentaries may not be shown on television or the Internet for a nine-month period after their initial theatrical release and Oscar officials briefly toyed with disqualifying the film. Cooler heads prevailed, however, and a spokesman for the Academy said the unfortunate event would not, in fact, prevent the film from being considered at this year’s Oscar ceremony. “If somebody steals your movie and puts it on TV, we're not going to penalize you for it,” the spokesman told Reuters. All five Cubans with access to a television denounced the film as “filthy American imperialist propaganda aimed at disrupting the Castro regime” and that it was simply another example of “the man” keeping them down.

Christmas in August
Ever wanted to know what “the man” gets for Christmas? Well, thanks to The Smoking Gun, now you can. First Lady Laura Bush must surely love the $95,000 set of diamond and sapphire jewelry given to her by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia. The Saudis also gave First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bulgari necklaces valued at around $8,000 apiece. Pity the poor president whose only gift from the Saudis was a lowly $8,500 mantle clock. Didn’t the Saudis know a clock is an inappropriate gift for someone who has not yet learned how to tell time? Other gifts to the White House last year included 300 pounds of lamb, $1,500 ornamental daggers for Chief of Staff Andrew Card and National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, a $12,000 Franck Muller watch and some Christian Dior aftershave—basically the same types of things found under 3N’s tree last year. View the entire list of gifts to the White House here-- http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0804041gifts1.html.

Dream Team Nightmare
If you like to see overpaid, trash-talking, egotistic athletes getting egg on their face, this next story is for you. Seems this year’s U.S. Olympic Basketball team, comprised of professional NBA players such as Allen Iverson and Tim Duncan, isn’t taking the game too seriously. They show up late for practice, spend time working on their half-court shots and pay little regard to the new set of international rules they must now play under. Maybe that’s why a vastly inexperienced Italian team thoroughly trounced them on Tuesday 95-78. It was the worst beating ever suffered by an American Olympic basketball squad and administered by a team that barely even qualified for this year’s Olympics. U.S. Coach Larry Brown said the game was a “wakeup call” and that “the team is going to be in for a lot of lessons over the next two weeks.”

Random Notes
Henry Rollins will “entertain” American troops in Honduras with one of his (in)famous spoken-word performances. Surely this kind of torture is against the Geneva Convention.

In an effort to cope with the tragic disappearance of his wife Laci, authorities say grieving husband Scott Peterson added the Playboy Channel to his satellite TV service just two weeks after he reported her missing. There’s just nothing like soft-core porn to take the sting out of a murdered wife.

Washington residents, hide your children. Mary K. Letourneau is a free woman. The level-two sex offender is on the prowl and said to be busy fielding calls from “The Today Show,” “Oprah,” “Primetime” and “Inside Edition.” Maybe if we just ignore her, she’ll go away.

Washington residents, hide your children part two. A King County judge has ruled that those Godless homosexuals may now be married under Washington state law and denying them that privilege is a violation of their constitutional rights. The state Supreme Court reverses that decision in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

Kudos to the New York Post. Just weeks after its “exclusive” story about Kerry picking Gephardt as his running mate, they now delight readers with news that ex-NBC head Brandon Tartikoff was seen dining with his wife in a popular New York restaurant. Friends and relatives were shocked by the news considering Tartikoff died seven years ago.

A North Dakota man has been arrested for running a meth lab out of a local kitchen—the Bethel Moravian Church kitchen. Those wacky meth addicts—what will they think of next?

All for now, enjoy your day--

The Essay

A Message to the Democratic Party from a Member of the Weaker Sex

Is a juvenile game of dick-sizing the best that American politics has to offer?

After California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger referred to California Democrats as “girlie men” the Democratic Party apparently hit the panic button. “The Democratic National Convention appears to be making a concerted effort to project symbols of masculine toughness,” Jarrett Murphy commented in “Dems ‘Fight’ With ‘Strong’ Words,” an article featured on CBS Online.

In the current political environment, it’s simply insulting to be feminine. "When Democratic men emerge, they're portrayed as too feminine," said Richard Goldstein, a writer for the Village Voice. “The Democrats are trying to counter that."

One can’t help to wonder what these feminine attributes might include—aside from the obvious inference of weakness—might they not also include charity, compassion and openness as well as the ability to listen, communicate and problem solve without maiming, bombing and mass-murdering?

But perhaps that’s to take it too far. The new strong men of the Democratic Party instead choose to fight for America by beginning with a defensive campaign. They’re going into battle for Americans while playing to the tune of the Republicans and ignoring the social contributions of those who comprise half the electorate.

Although I am only a member of the weaker sex, I humbly suggest that the Democrats forward this message; the current administration failed to do its job. With the largest defense budget in the world, they failed to defend us. They were party to the greatest communications failure in the history of our country. They lied to us about the Weapons of Mass Destruction. They disgraced our country by presenting forged documents to the United Nations. The Bush administration continues to snub those who, in the name of the American people, demand accountability. They entrenched the nation in an imperialist war, turned nightmare, while handing over no-bid contracts to corporate friends. With the cost of war and the additional cost of those contracts, the budget surplus turned deficit. The Bush administration might well go down as the most criminal and inept administration in American history.

I say that with “strengths” such as these, perhaps both the Republican and the Democratic Party could use a few of these “girlie men” in charge. Girlie men might, in fact, be just the ticket.

So far, though, the Democrats promise progress while giving us more of the same. It’s more important, apparently, for them to have the appearance of strength rather than to actually possess it. Let’s not forget that what angered Schwarzenegger so about those “girlie” California Democrats was their support of two bills: one which would prohibit schools from contracting with private companies and another which would allow employees to sue employers when their labor rights were violated.

So when Kerry and Edwards blaze down the campaign trail with speeches peppered with such “masculine” words as strength and tough, let’s not forget what those California girlie men, along with all their unsung girlie men brethren, stand for.
--Marissa Merker