The Filler
None of today’s stories have anything in common except for they’re all absurd. That said, let’s get right to it.

Future Framers of America
A 17-year-old high school student in rural Oswego, N.Y., will spend one year behind bars for threatening to kill President Bush in a half-baked scheme to take revenge on a fellow student.

WorldNet Daily reports the unnamed teen sought to frame his former girlfriend by using her password to log onto a school computer then sending the death threat to Bush.

“I’m going to blow up the White House and Kill you and your family,” the teen wrote. “You’re a stupid peace [sic] of shit and deserve to Die!!!”

Strong words certainly and, while some of them are true, you just can’t threaten to kill the president. In addition to a year in jail the teen also will face probation and strict orders to stay away from the president. Kids these days, what ever happened to toilet-papering her house?

Virginia is for Lovers (But in Oregon You Get Fucked)
The wedding season doesn’t usually go into full swing until summer, and couples in Benton County, Oregon, may need that extra time.

That state’s legislature is currently split as to whether it will approve gay marriages, grant gay couples civil unions, or simply do nothing. So for now, Benton County officials have solved the problem by ceasing to issue anyone a marriage license—gay, straight or otherwise.

“Either you issue marriage licenses to all couples, gay and straight, or you don't issue licenses to anybody,” says David Fidanque, executive director of the Oregon ACLU. “That's the only way you can treat all couples equally and avoid violating the Oregon constitution.”

Fidanque added that for the time being, same-sex couples should travel to a neighboring county to get their license then come back to Benton to perform the ceremony. This is our government in action folks. 3N can’t make this shit up, we just aren’t that clever.

Black and White and Dead All Over
Us news types are often quiet, thoughtful, some may say even dull. But we’d like to think we’d at least be noticed in death. That wasn’t so for one California news editor.

Colfax newsman A. Thomas Homer passed away quietly in his office last week and went undiscovered for two days, according to the Associated Press, despite the fact that two people saw him lying at his desk. Police say a janitor passed Homer twice on Sunday, 12 hours apart, and a woman stopping in at the office also saw him early Monday morning. Neither person responded as they both assumed he was just sleeping. This is sobering news for 3N as we have no janitor and reports that cats often eat the bodies of their dead owners have not entirely been disproven.

Shoddy Furniture + Shrinking Dollar = Richest Man Ever
Finally, it appears we have a new richest man in the world, though Bill Gates still has the world’s worst haircut.

Swedish business weekly Veckans Affarer reports IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has overtaken Gates with a massive fortune of 400 billion crowns (that’s $52.5 billion to you and me). Now, we Americans look to Forbes magazine to tell us who’s the richest of them all and according to their February issue, Gates is still top dog at $46.6 billion. Stock market guru Warren Buffet comes in second at $42.9 billion and you’ll have to go all the way down to number 13 to find Affarer with his paltry $18.5 billion. So what gives? Well it seems the geniuses at Forbes forgot the dollar is in the toilet right now and didn’t adjust for it.

Kamprad, 77, is known for his frugal ways, drives a simple Volvo and chooses to live in Switzerland where he can avoid the high taxes of his home country Sweden. IKEA officials are still denying the report, however, saying Kamprad’s estimated worth is a “mistake that’s made all the time.”

“Ingvar Kamprad does not own Ikea,” said company spokeswoman Marianne Barner. “Estimating the value of the company, including all the stores and saying it's all Ingvar's, that is totally wrong.” Barner did not reply to 3N’s calls as to why the company continues its bizarre practice of selling meatballs at its stores.

The News
We’ll leave the weighty issues to 3N’s newest staffers, coming onboard sometime this week, and turn our attention to a perennial favorite here, Mr. Ralph Nader.

But first, the standard 3N disclaimer: Nader did not cost Gore the 2000 election, he has some very interesting ideas about how this country should be run and if you don’t believe it then you aren’t doing your reading.

“Things have gotten so bad in this country, you look back at Richard Nixon with nostalgia,” Nader told The New York Times last week. Republicans, and George Bush chief among them, would have to disagree. And that’s why GOP supporters are spending big money to keep Nader in the running and, hopefully, keep their candidates in office.

It seems nearly 10 percent of those contributing at least $250 to the Nader campaign are Republican party supporters, according to a review of financial records by The Dallas Morning News. And some of Nader’s biggest contributors, spending $1,000 or more, have come from big-name GOP supporters such as Pennsylvania oil-company executive Terrence Jacobs.

But while Democrats are crying foul, many Republican donors are keeping to the facts. Some say they’re contributing because they want Nader to spoil the party for Kerry while others were simply offended by the Democrats in 2000 with their full-page ads against Nader and attempts in some states to wipe him off the ballots entirely.

“Did I give $1,000 to Ralph Nader because I hope and believe he will be president? No," California business executive Charles Ashman told The Morning News. “But I was offended to see [the Democrats’] campaign to squelch him from being a candidate.”

Us, too, and that’s why the Dems saw none of 3N’s votes in 2000. Stayed tuned for more, this one ought to get good and ugly.