The Fodder
Just in time for Easter, let’s do a quick roundup of what’s going on with one of 3N’s favorite subjects, organized religion.

Yes Jesus Loves Me
An entire group of Brooklyn Jews were horribly burned this week during a Passover rite gone wrong. The pre-Passover bread burning ritual involves putting chunks of leavened bread into a five-gallon bucket, then setting it on fire in an attempt to symbolize or re-create or represent, well, something. Anyway. High winds that day kept the bread from igniting so Rabbi Shick grabbed a can of paint thinner and added it to the mix. Predictably, a huge fireball engulfed the crowd and left Shick and a teenage boy hospitalized and in critical condition. Three others had to be hospitalized though, according to the New York Daily News, with much less serious burns.

Next up we have the case of an Akron, Ohio, priest who’s turned to growing marijuana now that the church forbids fondling young boys. The Rev. Richard Arko was charged this week with growing 35 plants in a closet in his rectory and sentenced to two years of community control and 100 hours community service. Arko, who admitted to being a regular user of the drug, will also have to undergo random and periodic drug tests, according to the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Arko claims he was growing the pot for medicinal purposes, but officers on the case were earlier able to buy a $20-sack from a man living at the rectory. Ever a pillar of society, Arko is also being investigated for child molestation after a 24-year-old man brought his case to police, claiming Arko molested him when he was 15.

Also in the name of the Lord, a Sherman, Texas, man accused of killing his wife, son and daughter plucked out his right eyeball while in jail awaiting sentencing. Andre Thomas was reading the Bible when he came across Mark 9:47 which states “And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.” Ever the true believer, that’s exactly what he did. Thomas’ lawyer, according to the Herald Democrat, has since filed a motion to have his client evaluated by a mental health professional. No shit.

Last and certainly not least in our little tribute to the Lord and Easter, we have a story from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about a church performance that brought tears to the eyes of dozens of young children who were there for an egg hunt and a chance to meet the Easter Bunny. Performers from the Glassport Assembly of God were attempting to teach children the true meaning of the holiday by portraying the last hours of Christ. After telling the children flat out “there is no Easter Bunny,” church performers put the Bunny in the role of Christ during the crucifixion and proceeded to whip him savagely. To add to the fun, performers went on to portray a drunken man and self-mutilating woman, then proceeded to break all the colored eggs meant for the egg hunt later on that day. Wheeeeee! Church representatives were surprised at the negative reaction and youth minister Patty Bickerton said the performance was in no way meant to be offensive. Jesus H. Christ.

The News

Rice A Phony
Well the big news today has to be national security advisor Condoleezza Rice’s testimony to the 9/11 commission.

The panel today focused heavily on a presidential daily briefing (PDB) memo dated August 6, 2001, titled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” Well folks, you just don’t get much more of a warning that that. But, like an ostrich, the Bush administration had its collective heads firmly buried in the sands of Iraq and Rice even admitted to the panel that indications were clear that “something very, very big was going to happen.” Rice went on to say that then-CIA Director George Tenet briefed the president almost daily on the situation and that Bush’s “very first major national security policy directive” called for eliminating the al Qaeda threat. So . . . . .?

To its credit, the panel jumped on that remark and asked why the administration didn’t attack al Qaeda the terrorist group’s attack on the U.S.S. Cole in Yemen. Rice responded that the president was simply “tired of swatting at flies.” The panel again went on the attack and asked for just one instance of the president “swatting at flies” prior to 9/11. Rice, predictably, could not give an example.

A little background before we close today. This panel was created by Congress back in November of 2002 and is given the task of looking for any lapses in domestic security and/or intelligence that could have led to the 9/11 tragedy. Bush has routinely opposed the creation of this panel. The White House also did not want Rice to testify though the panel, Democrats and families of 9/11 victims eventually demanded it. The White House has since only reluctantly allowed Rice to testify. The commission’s report is due on or before July 26th though it may not make that date as its findings are first subject to a review by the White House.

Place your bets ladies and gents. Anyone see that report coming out before the November elections?