The Filler
Well after so many depressing stories yesterday, let’s have some good news for a change.

The KKK Took the Racists Away
Faced with declining membership and support, the grand wizard of Indiana’s Ku Klux Klan is taking the “social club” in a new direction and seeks to create a “kinder, gentler” version of the hate-mongering, murderous organization. By the way, everything in quotes is straight from the mouth of acting Indiana KKK Grand Wizard Buford Kellens.

“Folks have a negative view of us because of the actions of a few bad apples,” Kellens told the Hoosier Gazette. “In reality we do a lot of good in our communities.” To prove that, Kellens will suspend all KKK marches for 2004 and have members instead focus on community service. Members will volunteer in soup kitchens and as crossing guards, and visit universities to promote good will. “This shows the public we’re good people who are just misunderstood,” Kellens said. Of course there’s really little room for misunderstanding at a lynching or cross burning but who are we to quibble?

The Klan also is opening up enrollment to previously reviled groups such as Catholics and Latinos, and will revamp the titles it gives its leaders. No longer will there be an Imperial Wizard or Exalted Cyclops. Now Klan leaders will have more formal titles such as CEO and general manager. May 3N suggest Exalted Douchebag?

NATO Troops Getting Screwed
The Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia have only just been inducted into the NATO alliance but they’re already learning from their Western, capitalist allies. NATO troops stationed in Lithuania are complaining that area prostitutes are charging them as much as three times the going rate for locals. And they’re not going to stand for it. In fact, even though prostitution is illegal in that country, they’ve gotten the police involved.

“Prostitutes take $35 an hour from Lithuanian citizens, while NATO troops are asked to pay $125 an hour,” Police Commissioner General Vytautas Grigaravicius told the Associated Press. Grigaravicius says it’s a clear case of discrimination and has vowed to attend to the matter.

John Ashcroft: Exalted Douchebag
And here at home in the midst of failing schools, rising unemployment and soaring budget deficits, the powers that be have turned their attention to the real scourge of this country—pornography.

The Justice Department’s war on porn employs a half-dozen employees who work 9-5, Monday through Friday sitting at computers surfing the Web for objectionable content. And they’re going to start suing people. But this time it’s not just hardcore sites that are looking at fines. The long arm of the law intends to reach into your living room by sanctioning soft-core shows like HBO’s “Real Sex” and into your hotel room by banning the adult movies Comcast beams to your TV. Asinine? Why yes, yes it is. Surprising? It shouldn’t be.

When you’ve got a son of a bitch like John Ashcroft running the Justice Department, anything’s possible. This is the man who paid $10,000 to have custom drapes made to hang over the partially nude statues outside the U.S. Supreme Court building. This is the man who anointed himself with Crisco when he was named Attorney General. This man doesn’t drink, dance, swear or gamble. He is a vengeful, crusading psychopath.

In the end it may all come down to money—and porn makes a lot of it. What would happen to our beloved Internet if porn were banned? It’s still really the only money-making endeavor online. And what would happen to the $200,000 that Comcast has pledged to raise for Bush’s re-election? And what of consumers’ rights? Certainly lots of kids have access to porn but in the end the adults are the ones paying the cable bills, the Internet bills, the movie charges in hotel rooms, etc. And as adults we have a God-given right to watch smut. Now you can raise our taxes, threaten our civil liberties and kill us at the pump, but when you start denying us porn, well, let’s just say the Justice Department may have a fight on its hands this time.

"They are miscalculating the pulse of the community," attorney Paul Cambria told the Baltimore Sun. “I think a lot of adults would say this is not what they had in mind, spending millions of dollars and the time of the courts and FBI agents and postal inspectors and prosecutors investigating what consenting adults are doing and watching.”

3N is already predicting huge success for this latest campaign. I mean, look at what happened with the war on drugs . . .

The News
3N has gone on way too long today and it’s too beautiful outside to sit at a computer and spew cynicism and make petty jabs at people all day, so there’s no news today. Next week, however, look for a cynical overview of the 10-year “anniversary” of genocide in Rwanda and an examination of the California energy crisis and its continuing fallout. Have a great weekend and a great Easter holiday.