The Filler
Let’s do some celebrity crap today, that’s always fun, right? OK, here goes.

Hack in the Saddle Again
The well has apparently run dry once again and Holly wood is reaching back into the past, into the vaults, looking for its next hit from a property that was really never very good to begin with. This time Tinsel Town execs have pinned their hopes on David Hasselhoff whose dream is to take “Knight Rider” to the big screen. Wait, it gets better.

“I don't want it to be a joke version like Starsky and Hutch,” Hasselhoff told the BBC. “I think 'Knight Rider' deserves a shot at something serious.” Yeah, it deserves to be shot all right.

Now that you’ve all stopped rolling your eyes we’ll go on to tell you that Hasselhoff plans to produce and star in the upcoming “film” but won’t play the lead role of Michael Knight (3N thought the car was the lead, but who are we to quibble). Hasselhoff instead will play a wizened mentor who will guide Knight (and Kitt the talking, crime-fighting car) down the perilous path of truth and justice. Lucky us, perennial crap weasel Ben Affleck is rumored to be in the running for the part of Michael Knight.

3N is, of course, predicting this unholy alliance will add up to box-office poison, but what do we know? We hear Hasselhoff is big in France. Stay tuned.

Looking for More D’Oh
In lighter news, many of you may have already heard, but the voice talents behind “The Simpsons” are griping about their pay, or lack of it.

Seems the show has earned the Fox network a tidy $2.5 billion over the past 15 years or so and now the stars want not only a raise, but also a piece of the pie. Word has it they’re looking to triple their annual salary, to $8 million between them, and get their share of the show’s profits. And if Ross and Rachael and the rest of the friends can make the cash grab, can you blame these guys? Well, maybe.

Now the folks at Fox had no comment other than they feel the actors’ (actors?) demands are “extravagantly high” and management does concede that it would be nearly impossible to find adequate replacements. But in their defense, the voice talents behind the show typically work just two days per episode and are paid $125,000 per show for their efforts. Not a bad payday for most of us (excluding the staff at 3N).

In the meantime, the show is scheduled to go on at least through the 2005 season, making it the longest-running prime-time series in the history of television, according to The New York Times. Next season will be cut from 22 episodes to 16, however, in an effort to cut costs. From there, nobody knows what will happen. Hell, maybe they’ll bring “Knight Rider” back. Stay tuned.

Trumped
NBC’s “The Apprentice” has come and gone but the show’s dictatorial host, Donald Trump, is still in the news, though not for the reasons he’d like. Seems The Donald is fairly adept at witty catchphrases and managing a small team of admirers, but he can’t seem to keep his own house in order.

Last year, Trump Hotels and Casino Resorts lost a whopping $87 million. The company’s stock trading at an all-time low—from more than $34 a share in 1996 to just $2.26 this week, according to USA Today. Two years ago the company was fined by the Securities and Exchange Commission for overstating its earnings and just last week Trump’s auditors warned that, with $1.8 billion in outstanding debt, the company could be facing bankruptcy. So what does all this mean and why should you care?

It means that if Trump doesn’t get his shit together, he could be fired. From his own company. And soon. Now we here at 3N are a kind lot, never wishing ill will on others, but this just makes us smile. Ever the captain of industry, what could possibly have gone for The Donald? Maybe it’s that fucking hair . . .

Rogue Tigger Paws Disney Visitors
Charges are pending against a Florida man who’s accused of groping several women while on the job at Disney World. Thirty-six-year-old Michael Chartrand plays the happy-go-lucky Tigger character from Winnie the Pooh. But while Pooh wants only his next honey fix, seems Tigger is a breast man.

Orlando police currently are investigating claims from 24 women Chartrand has allegedly groped and considers at least 13 of the charges credible, according to the Orlando Sentinel. Some of the women have the incidents on videotape and one even has a photograph of Tigger with his hands very clearly on her breasts. One of the victims told the Sentinel “Tigger was feeling my butt the entire time our pictures were being taken.” Another says Tigger had his paws on her breasts “in a cupped position” for a full minute while pictures were taken.

“Tigger is supposed to be really hyper and outgoing,” said co-worker Megan Long who plays Winnie the Pooh. “But he’s not supposed to be grabbing children.” No shit.

Chartrand had no comment and was released on $2,500 bail. Disney officials meanwhile say they are taking the matter very seriously and have suspended Chartrand indefinitely.

The “C” Word
Finally, news from the woman we all love to hate. Seems Courtney Love is crying to anyone who’ll listen, this time the editors atBlender, about her money woes. Love says she’s been swindled out of $40 million and is roughly $4 million in debt. Awwwwww.

Love says she only recently discovered she was paying her dog walker $100,000 a year and that someone put a new BMW on her credit card. Also, some mysterious stranger has been dipping into daughter Frances’ trust fund to the point where it’s almost completely empty. Wow, now who could that be? All this is in addition to charges of disorderly conduct and felony drug possession, and a recently released solo album that absolutely tanked.

“I’m covered with loser dust,” Love told Blender. Here’s a plea to the folks over at Blender; guys, if you ignore her, she just might go away.

The News
So there’s a lot going on today but the beach is calling so 3N will wrap for today with the promise of an all-news, no-filler edition tomorrow. Or the next day. Thanks for reading.